Getting back into the swing

Lost track for a little bit, I've been busy with work, I was sick for a week, and I had to take prescription pain meds for my broken teeth....so I gained all the way back up to 426 :-(

But a few days ago, I started walking again, and I'm back down to 419.  I can't help but feel that it is exactly where I was two months ago...lost some time with no progress, but at least I'm back at it now and I didn't gain too much.  I'll claim I'm intentionally going slow to lessen the amount of loose skin I'm going to have when all is said and done...but really I just lost my way.

Right now my goal is to at least walk 4 times a week.  Before I was trying to go every night and I felt guilty if I skipped a night, but the fact of the matter is that I have a stressful job and sometimes I just don't feel like doing anything, so beating myself up for missing a night here and there isn't going to help me progress.

20lbs down as of today

I hit a little bit of a stumbling block since my last update.  Spring break happened, and while I'm not in school and don't get any time off, my bf and my brother did get time off.  I took a little bit of a break while my brother was visiting, and put back on a few pounds.  Then the week after spring break, I was deathly ill with some awful flu, so I certainly wasn't walking.  So right now I'm getting back into the swing of things, and I've finally got myself back into a place where I'm making progress again.

When things don't go the way I want them to, I have had the tendency to just give up.  "It's not happening exactly the way I planned, so I'm done trying."  I'm trying to be better about this, and I'm happy to continue making progress even if I've slipped up here and there.

20lbs is an awesome milestone, so I'm going to pat myself on the back a little bit, but carry on and keep pushing through.  20 down, 260 to go!

423 as of this morning

So I've walked every day except last Saturday.  Other than that, I've managed to do at least 15 mins and sometimes 20 mins daily since starting.  This morning was my lowest weight since starting this process, so that's awesome.

One of the students at the school I work at commented on my weight yesterday, saying it looked like I had lost weight, which was awesome.  I'm hoping to get to a point where my bf notices, I don't think I'm there yet.

0.72 miles in 20 mins, and I felt every bit of it.

All right, so adding 5 mins was a bit ambitious because that workout was significantly harder than last night's, but I'm going to try to keep it up.  Today I had a stressful day at work and ate poorly, so that probably didn't help me feel energized for my workout.  Even so, hopefully the longer workout partially made up for the bad food.

One thing that is a little concerning though is that I had a couple dizziness spells while I was on the treadmill tonight.  I continued walking, but had to hold on to the rails.  I did experience occasional dizziness before I was on levothyroxine, particularly when going up the stairs, but hadn't really experienced dizziness since then.  I stopped the levothyroxine months ago, and hadn't had the dizziness return, but this is just a reminder that I need to get my health insurance squared away and get my ass to a doctor.  Which really sucks because I am still paying off my bills from last year.  Oh well.

Staying motivated through setbacks

So this morning I weighed myself and I've gained a couple pounds back.  I probably weigh myself too often and I'm seeing normal bodily fluctuations and I realize that, but it's still tough seeing the number go back up when you're doing what you can to make the number go down.  I'm trying not to let it discourage me, but it is disappointing.

I also noticed I didn't really get as out of breath or sweat as much during last night's workout, which was good, but also a sign that I may need to up the difficulty a little.

Tonight, I'm going to bump my time up to 20 min instead of 15.  If I've been doing just over 0.5 mile in 15 mins, I should be able to do 0.67 in 20 mins.  Maybe I'll work up to getting 0.75 done in 20 mins, but for now the goal will be 0.67 in 20 mins.

8lbs down since I began walking which is 16lbs down overall, woohoo!

I know that the weight will not come off this fast the whole way, but it's still pretty nice to watch the numbers go down.  At this rate, I could be under 400 by the end of the month, which is an awesome thought.

My bf is considering starting DDP yoga, so that might be one of the next things that gets added.  This is one of the videos that has him really interested in it.  My bf isn't that heavy, he doesn't even breach 200lbs, so I know he's looking at it more so for me, but I am interested too.

For now though, I will keep walking every night because the results are awesome so far.

Pushing on

I took some measurements today so that I have some record of how big I am early on in this process.

I have a 43" waist and 67" hips.  I am pear shaped and high waisted (short torso), and my extreme waist to hip ratio is ridiculous even when I've been smaller.  Maybe this week I'll take a photo to have a visual record to go with the stats.

I wasn't sure I was going to walk today because I had to do some things for my bf, and didn't finish with that until 9:20pm.  To get 8 hrs of sleep, I should be in bed at 10:30pm, but I did my workout anyway, and am not actually ending up in bed terribly late.  Happy with myself and glad I decided to walk anyway.

Now off to bed with me!

13 down, 267 to go

Despite my accomplishment, it's a little disheartening when I put it that way because the road ahead is so much longer than the road I've traveled.  Even so, I'm quite pleased to be down 13 lbs because all I've done is walk 1/2 mile nightly.  In fact, I've kind of eaten poorly this week, with fast food happening a couple times because we've been busy.  I do plan to implement some diet changes, but I plan to do it a little at a time so it won't be such a sudden transition to a different way of eating.

Another thing I'm planning to do is reward myself as I make progress.  I haven't decided yet whether to do a percentage based reward or lb based.  Right now I'm 4.6% of the way through my goal and it feels pretty awesome.

Feeling crappy but pushing through

The timing of my treadmill's arrival was not optimal, but I'm trying to keep it up.  It's our busy time at work, so I'm often staying late which results in me being tired.  And then my period is being particularly painful, so all I want to do is lay down and sleep.

Despite these things, I've done my half mile three days in a row now, and will add time or distance as I get into better condition.  It's tough, but I know I need to do it.

The support of your loved ones is important to your success

I am lucky to have the support of my bf in implementing changes to improve my life.  Due to past experiences with being incredibly broke, I have incredible anxiety about spending money.  And when I say broke, I don't mean "haha we're having ramen again so we can go drinking this weekend."  I mean "sleeping in a van waking up fearing our truck is being re-possessed every time the garbage truck drives by" broke.

So when I decided to buy a treadmill, I knew I was going to spend at least $400 on it.  I had the treadmill in my cart for days before I could actually get myself to check out.  And it's not that I didn't have the money, my tax refund had come in and the bills had been paid with my paycheck, I just had a mental block of "what if something happens and I NEED this money?" which was very hard to overcome.

But I finally did buy the treadmill, and the next day, my bf surprised me by sending me a zappos gift card to buy some shoes.  I am the worst for wearing shoes, underwear, socks, etc. until they fall apart.  The shoes I wear to work were purchased five years ago, but they still have some life in them, so I keep wearing them.  They're a $50 pair of black athletic shoes, so nothing spectacular.  But with my bf's gift, and with me not having to worry about the shoes looking okay at work, I was able to buy some proper athletic shoes with good support which felt amazing on the treadmill last night.  The shoes are actually kinda cute too.  They're black and pink and I love them.

The other thing about the shoes is that now my bf has monetarily invested in my plans, so if I fail, I'm not just letting me down, I'm letting him down.  He thought he was just being sweet, but he is also helping to motivate me.

I am very lucky to have his support.

My first baby step to better health

Yesterday, my treadmill came in.  I spent half of my tax return on it because I am at a weight where I had to shop for one with a very high weight capacity.  Yesterday, I walked 1/2 mile in 15 minutes.  I worked up a good sweat and made sure to warm up, cool down, and hydrate.  I haven't been weighing myself regularly, but last summer, I know I was at 440lbs, and this morning I was at 432lbs.  Since the summer, I have been trying to incorporate better foods into my diet, so I had lost a little because of that.  For a few weeks, I was also walking around my apartment complex, but because of some rude people, I decided I wasn't going to put myself through that anymore.  So walking was put on hold until I could get a treadmill.

And now, I have a treadmill.  People can't say any rude or hurtful things while I am walking in the privacy of my own home, so that's not an excuse any more.  I plan to walk for 15 minutes every night to start.

My existing health issues

I have encountered some health issues, and I want to get those out of the way so you have some of my background.  If you don't want all the details, just read the TLDR.

In 2012, I lost my cat to liver disease.  I love her and I miss her every day.  My bf and I did everything we could to save her, but ultimately lost her.  I was devastated.  A couple months later, as a 28 year old woman, I managed to get shingles.  My job is somewhat high stress, but I believe my illness was caused more-so by the depression and stress from losing my cat.  Some of you will say big deal, it was just a cat, and that's fine.  But I treasured her and she was taken from me so suddenly that it was a very traumatic experience.  She wasn't an old cat I'd had forever who slowly declined.  She got sick and we took her to the vet multiple times while we watched her fade away in a matter of a couple weeks.

So after she died, I got shingles and then my menstrual period which had been otherwise regular became irregular.  First the cycle got strange, it would be six weeks between, then I would bleed for a couple days and it would stop.  The distance between the cycles got longer and longer until my period just stopped.  I was sexually active and I did take pregnancy tests every month just to make sure.

The lack of a period wasn't particularly bothersome and I had no health insurance and not much money, so I just kept living life.  I continued working 40-45 hours a week and continued taking pregnancy tests regularly.

After about six months of not bleeding, I started bleeding.  And wouldn't stop.

After 30 days of bleeding non stop, I wasted the time and money to go to Planned Parenthood two hours away, where STD tests were done without my authorization.  Despite the lack of authorization, I still got to pay for everything.  Unsurprisingly, they found nothing wrong with me.  I don't want to sound like I don't support Planned Parenthood, I do support them, however, they are only good for sex education, routine exams, and birth control.  Beyond that, the expensive lesson I learned was to go to a real gynecologist if you have a problem.

After that appointment, I really struggled to find a doctor.  I was uninsured, did not have thousands of dollars laying around to pay everything out of pocket, and none of the local gynecologists would agree to a payment arrangement.  Neither the county, nor the state had any resources for me.  After a long search, I ended up finding North Country Healthcare, an office that had a sliding scale, and would make payment arrangements.  The only problem was that their closest office that offered gynecological services was three hours away.  They were the only office remotely willing to see me, so I made the appointment.  Upon arriving at my appointment, I discovered that I did not qualify for sliding scale because my boyfriend and I are not married.  Without the piece of paper binding him to me (lol), he doesn't count toward my household size, despite the fact that I am supporting him through school.  Without him included in my household, my income was "too high" for sliding scale, so I would have to pay everything out of pocket.  They would at least make a payment arrangement with me, so I proceeded.  I went through a number of appointments with them, including another pelvic exam, a pap smear, a trans-vaginal ultrasound, various blood tests, and eventually an endometrial biopsy.  I did not have cysts, fibroids, or abnormal tissue growth.  I did have an incredibly thick uterine lining, likely built up over the months that I was not menstruating.  The doctor suspected a stress induced hormone imbalance.  They also discovered my hypothyroidism and began treating me for it.  We tried various hormones to stop the bleeding, and I encountered bad psychological side effects.  I already have depression, but the hormones added feelings of hopelessness and suicidal thoughts.  However, while I was taking the hormones, the bleeding stopped after 171 days of constant bleeding.  My emergency fund was drained, and I had racked up a balance well over $1000, so I couldn't afford to keep going to the doctor, nor did I have the time to call their office during business hours to keep getting prescription refills, so when I ran out of meds, I stopped taking them.  They would only prescribe 25 days at a time, and the courier service to bring the medicine where I lived took 3-5 days, so it was a process.  If I had them just send the prescription to the local pharmacy, the meds cost 2-3 times as much.  I was so afraid that I would start bleeding again, but so far, I've just had 5-8 day long periods with a 5-7 week cycle instead of 4-5 weeks.

I would like to get back on the thyroid medicine because without it, I am tired all the time.  Once I get my health insurance set up, I am hoping to get established with a local doctor so that I don't have to drive so far and take so much time off from work.

TLDR: My cat died and I took it very hard.  I managed to get shingles, then had a 171 day long period and a cancer scare, but after multiple tests, I'm okay, likely stress induced hormone imbalance and confirmed hypothyroidism.  Due to health insurance/monetary issues, I still owe money for previous care and am not currently being treated for these conditions.

Introduction

I've started this blog to hold myself accountable for my goals and to give myself a space separate from my main online accounts where I can be perfectly honest without sugar coating anything.

I am overweight.  I am incredibly overweight.  Morbidly obese if you want to call it that.  I am 5'11" and my heaviest weight was 440lbs last summer.  Today, I am at 432lbs, and my goal weight is 160lbs.  I know it's going to be hard, and I know I will end up with loose skin when all is said and done, but I need to do this.

I want to get married, and I don't want to be as big as I am when I do.  I want to have children and I want to be able to chase them and play with them.  I want to be able to enjoy the activities I used to enjoy like hiking, camping, and martial arts.  At one point in my life, I competed, and I'm not saying I want to get back in competition, but I at least want to be able to consider training again.  I enjoyed it thoroughly and miss it.

My plan is to make small changes, or baby steps, to ultimately improve my quality of life.  I aim to document the changes I make and the struggles I encounter here.  I am doing this for accountability and motivation.